Like a Laser

I hit my ultimate pain threshold and mentally, collapsed.

I dissociated. Mind-body disconnected. When I looked in the mirror I saw a stranger.

I lost everything. I lost my ‘friends’ – good riddance, now looking back. I lost my family – due to my own selfishness and immaturities. I lost my flow. I lost myself. It was so painful to be inside of myself. For years.

But one thing I’ve learnt about me is that I never quit. I always get back up, and keep moving forwards. Maybe I have my wiring to thank for that.

One day, i decided, FUCK THIS SHIT. I’m claiming back my broken arse mind, and I’m turning it into my weapon.

That’s about when I was randomly scrolling and found ‘MSc in Earthquake and Structural Engineering’ and applied for it before my thoughts could catch up. I was the one person in that entire course.

I have a (flopped) BEng in Civil Engineering, and when my coursemates were freaking about lack of jobs in Covid times – honestly nothing is more debilitating than facing 100+ rejections. But when they suggested the idea of doing a ‘masters’ degree I looked at them in horror like, WHY would you put yourself through such academic hell again? Well, it turns out, that a degree covering endless modules on ‘soil mechanics’ and ‘concrete’ ain’t my cup of tea.

Where is the innovation in following the rules of your set guidelines and Eurocodes?

But to build a structure that can withstand mother nature’s EARTHQUAKES? FUCK YES. Bring it on.

Because yes my brain IS a scattered dimwit with a memory life of a plastic spoon – when it comes to topics I find mundane af.

But in the realm of unpredictability where innovative thinking truly thrives like, ‘Dynamics of Structures’, ‘Random Vibrations of Structures’, ‘Geotechnical Engineering’ in earthquake-prone countries, and my Thesis which was all about protecting Ancient Pyramids of Egypt from earthquakes using vibrating barriers THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN USED BEFORE/YET – An innovative research I was recognised 3 years later for – by the Institution of Civil Engineering’s 2024 Emerging Engineers Award in 3rd Place in London’s Regional Competition.

LOL Piero my MSc supervisor was having a very difficult time handling this brain during those academic torture years imprisoned to my covid-lockdown-desk without a fucking life outside my MATLAB codes that never RAN…so many ‘you are going to fail Kayana I don’t know how to help you anymore’ – I don’t blame him.

I deferred my dissertation to 2 years of mitigating circumstances (all justified reasons though) but anywho, my guy was fucking proud of me in 2024. His innovative ViBa strategy’s research got discontinued due to low funding – but I made his research known again, to his unexpectedly happy, surprise. And with my own Kaj-rooted twist – because whereas his primary research concentrated on Seismic-protection of the Pyramid’s superstructure – my research proved that his strategy also works on the Pyramid’s substructure (tunnels) – theoretically, according to FEM simulations and MATLAB codes THAT FINALLY WORKED. (BEST feeling EVER #Type2Happiness).

Because I’m the kind of person you look at initially and think – how the fuck is she an Engineer? And then ima do something out of nowhere that will blow up everyone’s mind when they least expect it, striking from 0-100. That’s my ADHD weapon. Like a tiger strike. Eelam Tamil coded. Focused like a laser Usually when people ask me how I am after some catastrophe, I humour-dodge in deadpans, I metaphor in paragraphs or, I throw sharp facts like an engineer: “Load capacity exceeded. Structure currently under refurbishment. Do not re-introduce stress.”

When perhaps what I meant — but couldn’t articulate — was: “I am not ok. Go away and give me space.”

Maybe I don’t use straightforward human language for emotions because my state doesn’t output in that format by default.

I observe trends. In people. In myself. In the world. Unconsciously gathering case studies behind the scenes, validating a model before I ever speak.

Then when a problem arises — instant solution.

Like my manager said: “When she’s focused, she’s like a laser.”