Panoramic Playback

There is life after death

Maybe…
that’s a far better truth to hold

Than pouring all our belief
into somthing outside of us.

Because what if
God was never a seperate being
waiting to come save us
mid-drop ?

What if…
it’s always been us
catching ourselves?

Over
and over
again.

What if we just forgot
That we’ve been saving our own arses
all along?

Maybe God is something
we slip into.

Maybe God –
whether that’s my Shiva,
your Allah,
their Jesus –
was never elsewhere,
But right here.

Buried somewhere
deep within us all

And maybe that bliss
is just the awareness
of what’s always been there.

Maybe God is the force we feel
when we stop long enough
to let everything else fall away.

In the stillness between breaths and heartbeats.

Because if Thailand taught me anything,
it’s that everything fades.
Everything falls apart and ends.
Except…
the part of us
that’s always watching…

Maybe that
is God.

I was flying
In the land of the free
until I collided into gravity.

And suddenly
my body’s wings
became a cage.

My pace slowed.
My centre, still broken.
Lost my muscles
Lost my weight…
But I’ve lost all things heavy that couldn’t carry my fate.

Because somewhere between impact and stillness,
I surrendered.
I stopped fighting.
Only to realise that I had been fighting alone my entire life.
I let go.

and the panoramic playback began.
A life review of everything I’d ever done or said,
And I saw that I have LIVED.
So if it ended here, fine.
That’s okay.

Because the moment I crossed that threshold
everything melted away
anyway.

Not in fear.
Not in loss.
But in a peace
so vast
It didn’t feel like the end,
But arrival.

Something beyond survival.

I bounced off my own Event Horizon
The edge of no return
and realised,
there is life after death.

She fell and collided into gravity,
but did not collapse.

She folded,
like the ranges of a mountain
compressed inside a tiny power.

Fire has never stood still
until it was enforced upon her.

Only in such stillness
could she contain the magma upwelling inside of her.
Only in such stillness
can a dormant volcano become a mountain.

No longer freestanding,
Kaj 2.0 rests like a range.

Maybe that’s why
the Himalayas are calling to me next.

There is life after death. I felt it.

I know you probably don’t want to think about it. Neither did I. Until it knocked me out in a hole in the middle of nowhere. I saved my own arse unbeknownst to me, and you know what?

Maybe this shithole we’re living in ain’t so bad after all. It is worth living when you realize how much control you actually have, despite how much the world tries to belittle you.

I’m no longer afraid of death. I was only afraid of dying trapped in a foreign sewage hole without my loved ones knowing. By the time I reached the sanctuary in Samui, I’d contacted my people. I was ready for the morphine and sleep. But my survival-mode nervous system crashed into a full NDE instead. A timeless clarity. Not the "expanded time" of the fall, but the real edge. To which, I eventually surrendered.

I was so fucking tired of resisting, tired of fighting a body that was ready to depart. (lol this is why we have visiting hours in hospital uno. make sure you never let your people lie in a goddamn hospital alone.)

Nearly a hundred days post-hole, and the tears are coming.

A deep, intuitive knowing.

As I type this, A.R. Rahman’s music meets me in total synchronicity: Olli meethu olliyaai...saranaagirren.

I surrendered.

and therefore I found the light.