When a Snow Leopard slips off a Himalayan ridge,
it doesn’t think; it knows
how to save its own arse due to an integrated instinct built into its DNA.
So do we.
This is the Human Survival Core.
This one's about how I saved my own arse from the edge of my Event Horizon -
the point of no return inside a blackhole.
Simply by DECIDING to live – I unlocked my Survival switch.
P.S. I climb mountains — I NEVER go down caves.
01/01/2026
It was so sudden.
My legs are already dangling.
No base. No one around.
My biggest fear isn’t death.
Not even entrapment.
It’s my people never knowing…
I’m disappearing into the unknown.
My mum and dad still waiting…
My ADHD has always been my greatest strength, and greatest weakness.
Because whereas my system tends to freeze up and paralyse inside emotional dysregulations of a death-drop, once it's reached it's max saturation point such as in this moment of maximum fear: that's when laser-like clarity enters. I call this the engineering mind. Because all the emotional clutter weighing me down inside of its noise, fuck off.
Time dilated.
Life review in a flash
For one suspended breath,
I was awareness without a body or fear.
Survival INSTINCTS Online.
Emotions OFF.
ADHD Hyperlucidity overclocking for exit strategy—
My entire system woke up in a flash.
Weightless
…floating...
Bliss
My consciousness left the vehicle before the crash. Maybe It knew what was coming…
💥Blunt Force on an edge
I heard the fractures before I felt it.
But bone-breaking force?
Big enough to defy Gravity.
[⬇️🕳️ + GRAVITY ⬇️⬇️ =💥IMPACT]
[💥Impulse ⬆️ + Torque @ edge ⤴️ + LEAP = ⤴️⬆️ Downward momentum reversed (UP & OUT)
I took my one shot - an adrenaline-packed LEAP of faith - with every fragmented part of me merging at once, to scream back in life’s face to say:
NO. FUCK OFF.
That bliss didn’t disappear.
Maybe it’s not contained inside the body. Maybe the body is contained inside of it. Now I know — I am my own force. You are your own force too.
Quantum Realignment
In Quantum Mechanics, Superposition is a fundamental principle where a system like an electron or photon, exists in multiple states or configurations simultaneously.
Like Kaj 1.0 (pre-hole) - I could switch into beast mode on Kilimanjaro, or logical laser in engineering, or 'flow mode' for a dance freestyle, a hillarious social butterfly, or a grumpy-ass-rebel.
In Superposition, all these different modes can exist as a combination of all possible status -
until they are observed or measured, at which point the superposition collapses into a single, definite state.
The hole was my ultimate 'observation'.
It shattered my life into a single 'quantum leap' moment.
But it also shattered all the fears, old patterns, ego, and triggers of the past.
My Grade 4 Kidney rupture, mutliple rib fractures, injured spleen, and hematoma down to my pelvis - is a whole bunch of life-threatening trauma, but it also forced every single part of me to finally show up at once, as a survival necessity to keep my heart beating.
This literally rewrote my entire script.
It's as if it permanently shifted my centre of gravity forever.
For the better...
Quantum Realignment is when a system is crushed so completely that those individual fragments can no longer exist seperately.
They collapse into a single state.
When I got out of that hole, I still had many weeks ahead of me to navigate foreign lands, whilst internal bleeding with ruptures and fractures whilst all alone, and then battling the internal hell of being forced into hospitalised bed-ridden stillness - as Savior said, 'it's the first time in 29 years that you've been still.'
And so for many weeks post-hole, I had to stay in that singular, unified survival state - and that is what forged Kaj 2.0.
Can't lie it feels pretty great here -
at 54 days post-hole recovery today (23/02/2026):
The Dancer is now the Engineer. There's no switching anymore.
I am all my paradoxes in one.
Energy gets lost in switching between modes or escaping...all of that energy is now redirected inside of me. To heal my broken body.
But it may have also healed my scattered mind too...
Because I don't feel 'restless' anymore...
Because everyone seems to expect me to be far more traumatised and broken but actually, i feel quite opposite.
As Frida Kahlo famously said, 'I am not sick. I am just broken'.
I've already quantum leaped into a new dimension of ONE-ness aka I'm not afraid of my broken body anymore because it is temporary...my spirit however?
I have now seen that it is invincible.
Maybe that's the bliss i felt, and still feel lingering inside me as i type...
Stillness Part 1:
But I have ADHD -
with a body dripped in velocity,
wired for motion,
not captivity.
How can I breathe
when dancing is my oxygen,
not a luxury?
But the universe
sat my arse down and said,
Cool. Be homeless for a bit.
Let's see who you are
when you're stripped of your kit,
And no longer fit.
Because the real peak
is sitting still in the quiet,
believing in yourself
without a motive for this riot -
Just silence and spine,
still backing yourself
when your rhythm goes offline -
Because the summit isn't the memory.
It's the moments I was mask-free.
With my people, that show up for me.
I was never meant to carry this alone
The strength of the wolves
lives in the pack,
not the lone
being hardened to bone.
Because the mountain wasn't me -
it was us, all along.
Eveything falls apart, and everything comes back together again.
(23/02/2026)
The Hole was a disgusting setback, but I've been through more than enough to let it take away everything I have built within. I didn't cross beyond all those obstacles to reclaim my mind-body disconnections from all the crap I'd already overcome and never deserve, for me to just let it all go into a fucking death drop.
I literally jumped out of that hole screaming a FUCK YOU to life, and all of the repetitive shit it keeps drowning me in out of nowhere, i declared i've had enough, YOU don't get to control my rhythm anymore.
The hole tried to take away my movement - thankfully only temporarily. but it couldn't touch my flow. Because after my last mind-body disconnect? I decided, nothing can take away my flow again. What happens when a person with ADHD "wired for motion", is forced into absolute physical stillness? The energy has nowhere to go - but Up and In. To me, it felt like a meditation retreat, but with a shitonne of morphine and needles stuck up my veins, instead of spirituality. It recalibrated me from the inside out. I was like a golden retriever puppy, constantly wagging my tail around in energy leakage dances everywhere - But now I'm like a snow leopard. I used to find cats scary af. Because they are so chillingly still. You can never predict when a cat is about to pounce, nor the direction it's about to leap. But when a cat is 'still' it is not 'still' at all - It is charging. That's what I learnt while benched to a hospital bed for 2 weeks - that Kinetic Kaj, is STILL Kinetic Kaj. That I didn't lose my dance; the dance just migrated from my limbs into my syntax and my voice. All the fragments—the traumas, the ADHD, the rebel, the engineer, the dancer— have stopped being separate modes I switch between. Maybe its the friction of those fragments that caused the 'restlessness', like a static, buzzing, noise like a constant uncomfortable internal-itch.... now gone. Because I've finally integrated into a singular Consciousness. The fragments all clicked into place. I don't want to escape myself anymore, My mind feels like a kleidoscope I can finally see clearly now. Like an AC current to DC. Like an MDOF system into SDOF. I am finally ONE system that cannot be divided. Not even by a fucking hole. When you have seen the edge of your own near-death TWICE? It rearranges your foundation. It's like my survival switch realised we cannot afford to leak energy out anymore, not when it exposed how fragile my tiny body truly is in the face of mortality... so we gotta LOCK IT IN and contain it. Like Harry Potter's Golden Snitch or a lightbulb. Or like a snow leopard of the harsh Himalayas, where survival depends on energy-conservation, and a one-strike release at the precision-point at the rare shot at a food-hunt. And/or maybe the survival switch expanded my ability to contain my energy within because i'm officially battle tested. I am strong enough now to handle containing all of this energy inside simply by choice. I don't know but it doesn't feel like 'restlessness' anymore because I don't crave to escape my mind anymore, I like my mind now, it feels like CLARITY. Aswin joked that the hospital might knock the ADHD out of me and tbh I think it did - I don't feel restless anymore. I feel rested. I LIKE resting now...dafuq? Although, my kinda resting is hella different to most i assume because even though my body is still, I am literally hyperfocusing on this Event Horizon book right now... so, my ADHD hyperfocus remains, but I wouldn't want it any other way. What if the survival switch was actually my power switch that restarted my entire system for the better? The girl before the hole, would never have taken back her mic with this much no-fucks-given authenticity, even though i'd always had that element inside of me... it was deeply buried beneath many layers of self-doubt. My sister-in-law said my post-hole spoken words sound aggressive and that she didn't recognise it was me until rewatching the video! Because I don't give a fuck anymore. I am simply grateful to be alive, with ME still intact. So Ima be me, take it or leave it. Maybe that's why I love Eminem and Frida Kahlo so hard... Because they're art was their scars reborn as timeless signatures... Because what if I was searching for this exact stillness all along? Isn't that why I searched for summits on mountain tops? Because the Uhuru I felt on that summit, is not imprinted at a cellular level... Uhuru is within. And I may only feel her, when I'm this still. I am finally hearing my own internal frequency.
Stillness Part 2 (22/02/26)
I was flying in the land of the free,
until i collided into gravity
and was forced to turn the final page,
my body's wings suddenly, a cage.
Shitting in a diaper,
being washed by 4 nurses' hands—
My spirit broke,
in the stillness of Thailand’s hospital sands.
The survival switch at the hole was a fighter’s heat.
But this surrender was the opposite,
it was a complete - defeat.
That’s when the panoramic playback started rolling in my head.
A life review of everything I’d ever done or said.
The memory that brought me back? Rishi.
Seeing his tiny hand wrapped around my finger.
I woke up realizing I’m an auntie to six—
I ain’t done yet.
And I saw that I have LIVED,
If it ends here, fine. that’s okay,
But I'm done wasting another day.
So no wonder i felt that ALIVE in yesterday’s rain.
it’s the same old UK cold,
But the woman walking through it is a different story told.
My pace is slow, my center’s broken,
lost my muscle, lost my weight—
but I dropped all things heavy,
that couldn't carry my fate.
Fire has never stood still
until the stillness was forced to begin.
Because only in such stillness can a volcano
become a mountain.
Dormant Volcano
She fell and collided into gravity,
but did not collapse.
She folded,
like the ranges of a mountain
compressed inside a tiny power.
Fire has never stood still
until stillness was enforced.
But only there could she contain
the magma upwelling inside of her.
Because only in such stillness
can a volcano become a mountain.
Empty Trails
The constant search for the summit...
And then, you detach.
The want melts.
The thing that defines you,
dissolves.
They say detachment is good.
Attachment did bring pain.
But what if pain was never the absence of happiness?
Like how cold isn't the absence of heat,
only a harsher climate.
Breathing icy air
is still better than no air.
The opposite of joy isn't pain-
it's hollow,
like empty trails
with no footprints to follow.
But maybe that's what rebirth is-
A clean slate.
Waiting
For the first word.
Broken Bones
She stamped me as unfit to work.
They stamped me as unfit to move.
But I have ADHD-
How can I survive if I can’t move?
Stillness,
enforced stillness,
is far more painful than the pain.
Because you wake up every day in the same clothes,
in the same bed,
staring out the same window,
with the same medicines,
and the same debilitating symptoms
keeping you pinned.
Your knee starts cracking
because it hasn’t been rotated enough.
The opposite side screams
from carrying all the load at night,
protecting the ruptures and fractures
you don’t dare roll onto.
I am tired of being tired.
I am sick of feeling sick.
And I just want to return
to the woman I have always been —
the one whose body had wings,
who flew —
now abruptly cut.
But maybe the real fear is-
If I can't move...am I still me?
What if the real fear is
to face the me beneath the running,
inside a dance, a climb, an uppercut?
Because the real mountain is
to sit in silence
and still believe in yourself when there's
no audience,
no release,
no adrenaline,
just alone in a place no one knows my name.
Which ironically, was exactly what I came here for.
but the body heals and there’s nothing left to fear.
because Kaj isn’t Kaj only when she dances,
Kaj dances because she is Kaj.
and this is the most Kaj I’ve ever felt.
Engineering team wrote,
“get well soon Kajana.”
Strangers in a foreign hospital
bathed, diapered, saved my life,
and brought me a birthday cake with smiles
on a day I felt so, so alone.
My family lost sleep.
My friends cared more than I ever expected.
None of them saw me as a burden.
They all still saw me as Kaj.
Not Kaj the engineer.
Not Kaj the dancer.
Not Kaj the mountain climber.
Just… me.
Why couldn’t I see me?
SHE WON'T SIT STILL OR SHUT UP 
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