When a snow leopard slips off a Himalayan ridge, it doesn’t think; it knows how to save its own arse due to an integrated instinct built into its DNA.
So do we.
So did I.
When I stared at my own abyss and told it to fuck off.
This is the Human Survival core.
It was so sudden.
My legs are already dangling.
No base.
No one around.
My biggest fear isn’t death.
Not even entrapment.
It’s my people never knowing…
I’m disappearing into the unknown.
My mum and dad still waiting…
Survival INSTINCTS Online
Emotions OFF
ADHD Hyperlucidity overclocking for exit strategy-
Time dilated
Life review in a flash
My consciousness left the vehicle before the crash.
Maybe it knew what was coming…
💥Blunt Force on an edge
I heard the fractures before I felt it.
But bone breaking force?
Big enough to defy gravity.
Weightless
…floating...
Bliss
For one suspended breath,
I was just awareness without a body or fear…
My entire system woke up in a flash.
The biological roar of my ancestors' DNA and the sheer grit of this 4ft9 mountain, refusing to let go.
I took my one shot - an adrenaline-packed LEAP of faith - with every fragmented part of me merging at once, to scream back in life’s face to say:
NO. FUCK OFF.
That was the edge of my Event Horizon.
The point of no return, inside a blackhole.
That bliss didn’t disappear.
Maybe it’s not contained inside the body.
Maybe the body is contained inside of it.
Now I know —
I am my own force.
You are your own force too.
Maybe that’s a far better truth worth holding,
than to pour all our belief entirely to an external being.
Because maybe God was never a separate person or entity
that comes down to save us from our shit while we're mid-drop.
Maybe we'd forgotten that it's us
who've been saving our own arses all along...
Maybe God is in each and every one of us... as one.
Because what if God is a state of awareness?
Because what if God IS consciousness?
Maybe that's what i referred to as bliss...
Because maybe God,
whether that's my Shiva or your Allah or their Jesus,
is not a distant God living elsewhere
but is here right now in this present moment
lying deep within us.
Because maybe this bliss
is simply the awareness of the force lying within.
Maybe to find it we must stay present
in the stillness between our breaths,
and the space between our heartbeats.
If Thailand taught me anything, it's the Buddhism belief that nothing lasts forever, except the Atma - soul.
I knew it was going to take a f#cktonne of agony I’d never known before, to return to a rupturing body mid free-fall and fight, against this death-drop. The biggest fight of my life. And the biggest comeback.
[⬇️🕳️ + GRAVITY ⬇️⬇️ =💥IMPACT]
[💥Impulse ⬆️ + Torque @ edge ⤴️ + LEAP = ⤴️⬆️ Downward momentum reversed (UP & OUT)
I could’ve stayed in that bliss…but I had shit to do. idk what… I just knew i’m not done yet. Maybe that’s just the human ego being scared of the other side except I’ve seen it, and it was everything but scary…life is.
I chose to come back.
At the hole, that decision had no backups, because I had to get back for my mum, no buts. Ain’t no way I’m disappearing like Sussi Anna did and put my mum through that pain that killed off my Perriyamma. Because losing a child sucks but at least there’s a certainty in the knowing, eventually. But a disappearance? A mother never finds closure from that. I can still rememebr that visual of my mum waiting for me endlessly frozen in London…naa. Such a thought is bigger than the agony of breaking bones and rupturing organ to change one’s entire trajectory starting from within.
Fire has never stood still
until the stillness was forced to begin.
But only in such stillness can a volcano
become a mountain.
Athlete to my ADHD,
is what an ocean is to waves.
Movement is my wiring,
my oxygen, my only save.
When the survival switch turned on,
primal instincts in the dark
until the adrenaline was gone.
Along with every layer of muscle I’d built,
and the energy I once cursed for its constant drip.
January first twenty-twenty-six.
Fell into a hole and got benched.
God knows if I’ll climb again,
my whole world got drenched.
That thought breaks me.
Himalayas was supposed to be next.
New years day, packed up hotels, too many couples,
and only one hospital in that hell.
Doctor cleared me "fit-to-fly"
But I finally heard my instincts
over that dumbass's lie,
As my bones ripped apart with every breath.
Every step rearranged my insides.
20k on day 1 with no one by my side.
With internal bleeds from an uncaptured ruptured kidney.
Dragged my broken arse across the Gulf of Thailand's sands
4-hour trip turned to 5-day Odyssey
until my spirit crashed in the hands of CT scan
and Thai nurses' protection at Samui's Hospital sands.
Fractured ribs, internal bleeds.
No room for reprieve.
Yet I still navigated foreign lands on my own
with lungs that couldn’t breathe.
What if pain
was never the absence of happiness?
Like darkness
isn’t detachment of sunlight.
Like cold
isn’t the absence of heat.
It’s just a lower amount of thermal energy,
not a seperate, opposing energy entity.
What if the opposite of joy isn’t pain-
it’s hollow,
like empty trails
with no footprints
to follow.
What if pain
isn’t even the pain of broken bones?
Even when your knees start cracking
because they haven’t been rotated enough.
Your opposite side screaming at night
from carrying all the load and protecting,
all the fractures and rupture that you don’t dare roll onto.
What if pain
isn’t even the paralysing enforcement of stillness
Not even when you wake up everyday
in the same clothes,
in the same bed,
staring out the same window
with the same debilitating symptoms
pinning you there.
Because breathing icy air
is still better than no air.
Panoramic Playback (31/03/2026)
I nearly died & caught my life
in a panoramic playback.
Not the degrees or claps.
Not even the roof of Africa.
But our voices in icy darkness singing Hakuna Matata.
My niece & I laughing like cats
on a hammock in Sri Lanka.
Dancing off stage
to the rhythms of past craze
even the ones I thought I'd erased…
Because benched to a bed
in catheters and diapers -
you stop giving a shit
about who you’re supposed to be.
You just … be.
So fuck the road planned ahead,
to simply be alive
is the only reason left to tread.
You finally see
your full view.
But I have ADHD –
with a body dripped in velocity,
wired for motion,
not captivity.
How can I breathe
when dancing is my oxygen,
not a luxury?
But the universe
sat my arse down and said,
Cool. Be homeless for a bit.
Let’s see who you are
when you’re stripped of your kit,
And no longer fit.
Because the real peak
is sitting still in the quiet,
believing in yourself
without a motive for this riot –
Just silence and spine,
still backing yourself
when your rhythm goes offline –
Because the summit isn’t the memory.
It’s the moments I was mask-free.
With my people, that show up for me.
I was never meant to carry this alone
The strength of the wolves
lives in the pack,
not the lone
being hardened to bone.
Because the mountain wasn’t me –
it was us, all along.
while benched in my London bedroom’s chair.
06/02/2026
18/02/2026:
My niece played -
Listen
with your heart
you will understand.
The truth just landed -
I’m not Kaj only when I dance.
I dance because I am Kaj.
I’m not this machine,
I’m the spirit moving through the unseen.
After Kili, my heart said:
Look what I can do.
Post-NDE, it says:
Look who you are.
Look at your own view.
An unbreakable human spirit
inside of this fragile little frame,
Broken (temporarily).
Unstoppable all the same.
03/03/2026
I was flying in the land of the free,
until i collided into gravity.
Forced to turn the final page,
my body’s wings suddenly, a cage.
My pace is slow, my center’s still broken,
I’ve lost my muscles, lost my weight –
but I dropped all things heavy,
that couldn’t carry my fate.
Because when i surrendered
to the panoramic playback rolling in my head
A Life Review of everything I’d ever done or said
I saw that i have LIVED
and if it ends here, fine, that’s okay.
Because once i crossed that threshold,
everything melted away
and not in a bad way,
it was the most peaceful bliss I’d never felt…
it was the most alive I’d ever felt
when I bounced off my own Event Horizon edge
and realised there is life after death.
I know I do crazy shit like climbing mountains
but I NEVER go down caves.
I don’t know why I’ve been resisting me so hard,
just because this version of me
didn’t follow the path
my ego spent years trying to guard.
What if i’m done being the witness…
and it’s time to become the witnessed?
Nothing new needs to be done.
I only need to see
I’ve already become
everything
I was meant to be.
With the rawest ink
my life has ever bled,
This tragedy is now ready
to become my goddamn poetry.
01-03/04/2026 Bank Holiday Weekend break sparked some awakenings:
My hearing’s gone better since the hole. Both externally…everything’s gone louder, but especially, inside… as if I’m hearing from my heart and soul… maybe that’s what we call intuition and instincts… so is this my ‘light at the end of the tunnel’?
To come back with a clarity in my voice I never had before…
Because moments before I recieved 2hours B+ blood from a possible Zen monk (because I felt weirdly zen af half-way between that transfusion and ever since…plus Koh Samui’s monks famously donate their blood as service for the community). I heard, that I haven’t yet finished ‘hearing’ and that my job here isn’t done yet. Is that what they call ‘dharma’?
Maybe because most people don’t hit that edge and come back at 29…maybe i’m meant to tell others that there really is ‘olli meethu olli‘… despite the equal proportion of darkness that life throws at us all.
Because seeing my life play back to me in that high-speed layering of memories and insights I finally witnessed the sheer privalege of getting to experience such a wonderfully fucked up and beautiful life story, and I’m (hopefully) just half way through it.
Software update: AC current switch to DC current. Survival switch demands no gap for energy leak outs anymore. Contain all energy. Software update: Jack Russel code switch to Snow Leopard blueprint.
I didn’t just fall into a borehole; I was dropped into the silent passage of Earth’s dark core. Destroyed, my own core in the process how ironic but I met the deep silence of the ‘other side’ and found the key to my own awakening.
Maybe that key is this new voice I came back with…an airy kind of frequency that feels and sounds so foreign to me, perhaos because my voice now carries the freqyency of the event horizon. Is that why I woke up suddenly spitting spoken words after my body got benched? I suppose, rhythm’s got to be expressed somehow…but perhaps its only in this enforced stillness, I was able to truly hear my entire frequency, and find the bravery to unleash it out loud… So yeah, I jumped outta that damn hole with this voice screaming inside me, “NO. we ain’t done yet.”
Maybe that borehole was the silence that recalibrated my internal velocity-dripped chaotic switchboard … or perhaps the trauma of it all just expanded my bandwidth to be able to handle such wild shit so now, my ADHD’s no longer screaming inside like a constant freakshow – it’s minor compared to the shit I’d seen now.
I now carry the silence of that borehole with me. Like a cat, that can see through the darkness with nocturnal vision. Lol how ironic that pre-hole I feared cats and now I’m comparing myself to one smh… Maybe I’ve always been a cat but lived my life a lie convincing myself i’m the more loveable labrador-mask with a tail wagging so hard to please everyone else…fearing all along the shadow feline inside of me that was always my core truth. #CarlJungShadowTheoryAlert. Maybe that’s why Malc and Aishah used to take the piss out of my cat-fear saying that I have cat like eyes… never saw it before but now post-hole that’s all I see…
I speak in metaphors btw. I have ADHD so allow me. I perceive deep shit like this brink of near death by processing it in terms of stable perspectives like, the shift from a dog to cat. To explain the WTF happening inside me as i type this right now, how my entire sense of self got flip rotated while leaving behind a version of me that feels the most me, than ever before… you get me? Prob not. Idgaf.
I suppose, it’s just like carbon getting crushed by extreme heat and immense pressure, deep within the earth’s mantle, rearranging its atoms into a new crystalised state entirely – diamond. Except that natural process usually takes millions of years. Mine? About a second, or two. According to an observer’s perception anyway…the flow of time was flowing linear and constant relative to the gravity of where we all currently stand above ground. But in the midst of a near-death inside a hole, time-dilates and shit gets trippy af.
There is life after death.
I felt it.
I know you probably don’t want to hear or think about it –
neither did i.
Until it knocked me out inside a hole in the middle of nowhere,
within the blink of an eye.
When I saved my own arse unbeknownst to me.
And you know what?
maybe this shithole we all livin in
Ain’t so bad after all.
It is worth living, when you realise how much control you truly do have over your own life. Despite what the world belittled us into believing otherwise…
No longer afraid of death, only afraid of dying trapped in a foreign sewage hole without my loved ones’ knowing. By the time I’d reached Samui’s save-me sanctuary, I had already contacted all my people, so as far as I was concerned, I was ready for a shitonne of morphine, and sleep. But a 4/5-day insomniac survival-mode driven nervous system, crashed hard, instead – NDE.
NDE (Near Death Experience) was a timeless kind of clarity. Not like the ‘expanded time’ feeling I felt mid-hole-drop, this was different. This was the real edge. A brush with death.
I’d surrendered. Which is exactly what I needed in that time of demonic-fate where I was so fcking tired. Tired of resisting. Tired of fighting so hard against every shutting-down inch of my body to try and stay alive in a body that was ready to depart.
Until, the Life Review. Of everything I’d ever done or said. Where I witnessed my own life like a panoramic playback, and saw that I have LIVED.
Literally as I’m typing some of this up [03/04/2026 15:39] Ar Rahman’s banger met me in synchronicity: “Kannae Kanmaniye unnodu sarranaageerraen. Olli meethu olliyaai olli kaangirren“… TRANSLATING LEGITERALLY TO: ‘I’ve seen the light’….Is this one of the many strange synchronicities the universe has thrown at me after nearly killing me off? jokes aside, I nearly had tears come out from within as I heard that play just now. A deep intuitive knowing, that I’ve finally, at Day 92 post-hole, have seen the light perhaps when I surrendered… ‘saranaagirren’…
SHE WON'T SIT STILL OR SHUT UP 
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