the deeper the pain
the deeper the happiness...

I suppose nothing can beat dangling broken in a foreign sewage hole
alone.

---

AC current switch to DC current.

The survival switch has been flipped, and it demands no gaps. No energy leaks. No more “labrador-mask” tail-wagging to please the crowd. I’m containing it all now.

Jack Russell code switch to Snow Leopard blueprint.

I didn’t just fall into a borehole; I was dropped into the silent passage of Earth’s dark core. It’s ironic, really – I destroyed my own core in the process, but in that wreckage, I met the deep silence of the “other side” and found the key to my own awakening.

Maybe that key is this new voice I came back with – an airy frequency that sounds so foreign, perhaps because it carries the echo of the Event Horizon.

Is that why I woke up suddenly spitting spoken word after my body got benched?

I suppose the rhythm had to find a way out.

In this enforced stillness, I finally heard my entire frequency and found the bravery to unleash it. I jumped out of that damn hole with a voice screaming:

“NO. We ain’t done yet.”

Maybe that borehole was the silence that recalibrated my internal, chaotic switchboard. Or maybe the trauma just expanded my bandwidth.

My ADHD isn’t a screaming freakshow anymore; it’s minor compared to the shit I’ve now seen.

I carry the silence of the hole with me now.

Like a cat, I have nocturnal vision through the darkness.

It’s funny – pre-hole, I feared cats. Now I am one.

I spent my life living a lie, convincing myself I was a lovable Labrador while fearing the shadow feline that was always my core truth. #CarlJungShadowTheoryAlert. My friends always teased me about my “cat-like eyes.” I never saw it then. Post-hole, it’s all I see.

I speak in metaphors btw. I have ADHD, allow me.

I process the brink of death through these shifts: dog to cat, dog to diamond. It’s like carbon getting crushed by extreme heat and immense pressure deep in the Earth’s mantle, rearranging its atoms into a new crystallized state. Except that natural process takes millions of years. Mine? It took a second or two.

Time is linear for those above ground, but inside that hole, time dilates and shit gets trippy af. (Seen interstellar yet?)

This Bank Holiday weekend sparked something. My hearing is better. Everything is louder, especially inside. It’s the “light at the end of the tunnel.”

I came back with a clarity I never had, fueled by two hours of B+ blood from a possible Zen monk in Koh Samui. Halfway through that transfusion, I felt it: a weird, monk-like zen.

I heard the message: You haven’t finished. Your job here isn’t done. Is that Dharma? Or was I just tripping on too much morphine fantasising about that time Grey Gandalf’s ‘you shall not pass’ turned him into a White G?

Most people don’t hit that edge and come back at 29. Maybe I’m meant to tell people there really is olli meethu olli (light upon light), despite the darkness.

Seeing my life in a Panoramic Playback, I witnessed the sheer privilege of this wonderfully fucked-up life.

I could’ve stayed in the bliss of the other side but I had shit to do.

I chose to come back.

At the edge of that hole, decisions have no backups. I had to get back for my mum. No way was I disappearing like Sussi Anna did, putting my mum through the pain that killed my Perriyamma like that. A mother never finds closure from a disappearance. The visual of her waiting for me, frozen in London… that horror was bigger than the agony of breaking bones and rupturing organs in that battle to my return.

I knew it was going to take a f#cktonne of agony I’d never known before, to return to a rupturing body mid free-fall and fight against a death-drop.

It was the biggest fight of my life. And the biggest comeback.

---

What if pain
was never the absence of happiness?

Like darkness
isn’t detachment of sunlight.
Like cold
isn’t the absence of heat.

It’s just a lower amount of thermal energy,
not a seperate, opposing energy entity.

What if the opposite of joy isn’t pain-

it’s hollow,

like empty trails
with no footprints
to follow.

What if pain
isn’t even the pain of broken bones?
Even when your knees start cracking
because they haven’t been rotated enough.
Your opposite side screaming at night
from carrying all the load and protecting,
all the fractures and rupture that you don’t dare roll onto.

What if pain
isn’t even the paralysing enforcement of stillness
Not even when you wake up everyday
in the same clothes,
in the same bed,
staring out the same window

with the same debilitating symptoms
pinning you there.

Because breathing icy air
is still better than no air.

---

Jack Russel...
rebooting.

Everyone's got two families.
The one you're born into 
and the one you choose.

Somewhere along the way
she became the one carrying 
everything up mountains
no one sees.

Armour so heavy
built beneath the warden rules a child must never carry.
No one asked me
how I make the impossible look easy.

She's always been the tough girl
She'll be just fine.
Does she even need help?

One does not choose to be the strong one. 

She would've dropped herself into that hole for them
but they didn't show up in the final hour.
She told them it's fine because she expected nothing less.
Staring blindly at the ceiling
wondering what's the point of this lonely fight? 

A beautiful barking 
loyal little pet,
gone.
drowned in the heartbreak 
of their every neglect.

But you cannot break a girl 
that's been crushed 
over 
and over again.

Not even a broken spine 
can cancel her spirit
even if it's now bent 
it ain't a match for her grit.

She's been wearing survival modes 
since birth.

She's been saving her life a thousand times 
while the ones who claimed her 
by gaslights and birthright 
were no where to be seen
when she was bleeding out internally, 
a tiny catastrophe.

Me.

Wolf
Unlocked.

---

SHE WON'T SIT STILL OR SHUT UP